Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

onships
A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose. For example, I remember standing in the kitchen with a family friend one day when our daughter Lauren was five years old. She asked me to lift her up and do tricks, and I said, "No, I can't today. I am real tired." She persisted, asking playfully, "Please, Daddy, please, Daddy, just one flip." The friend said, "Now, Lauren, your father is tired. He has worked hard today. You shouldn't ask." Lauren. immediately responded by saying, "I am just asking!" "But you know your father loves you," my friend said. "He can't say no to you." (The truth is, if he can't say no, that's his problem, not hers.) Immediately my wife and all three daughters said, "Oh yes he can!" I was proud of my family. It has taken a lot of work, but gradually we have learned to ask for support and also to accept no.

STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING
Once you have practiced step 2 and you can graciously accept a no, you are ready for step 3. In this step you assert your full power to get what you want. You ask for his support, and if he starts making excuses and resists your request, you don't say "OK" as in step 2. Instead you practice making it OK that he resists but continue waiting for him to say yes.

Let's say he is on his way to bed, and you ask him for something. He starts to grumble out. If you know that grumbles are just grumbles and are often his way of starting to say yes, your response will be silence. Your silence is a signal that you trust that he is stretching inside and about to say yes. Stretching is another way to understand a man's resistance to your requests. Whenever you ask for more, he has to stretch himself. If he is not in shape, he can't do it. That is why you have to prepare a man for step 3 by moving through steps 1 and 2. In addition, you know that it is more difficult to stretch in the morning. Later in the day you can stretch much farther and easier. When a man grumbles, just imagine that he is stretching in the morning. Once he has finished stretching he will feel great. He just needs to grumble first.

Programming a Man to Say Yes
I first became conscious of this process when my wife asked me to buy some milk at the store when I was on my way to bed. I remember grumbling out loud. Instead of arguing with me, she just listened, assuming that eventually I would do it. Then finally I made a few banging noises on my way out, got in my car, and went to the store. Then something happened, something that happens to all men, something that women don't know about. As I now moved closer to my new goal, the milk, my grumbles went away. I started feeling my love for my wife and my willingness to support. I started feeling like the good guy. Believe me, I liked that feeling. By the time I was in the store, I was happy to be getting the milk. When my hand reached the bottle, I had achieved my new goal. Achievement always makes men feel good. I playfully picked up the bottle in my right hand and turned around with a look of pride that said "Hey. look at me. I'm getting the milk for my wife. I go to the store and get some milk."
In his response, he says "Oh, I'm really tired, I want to go to bed." Instead of immediately letting him off the hook by saying "OK," say nothing. Stand there and accept that he is resisting your request. By not resisting his resistance there is a much greater chance he will say yes. The art of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have made a request. After you have asked, expect him to moan, groan, scowl, growl, mumble, and grumble. I call the resistance men have to responding to requests the grumbles. The more focused a man is at the time, the more he will grumble. His grumbles have nothing to do with his willingness to support; they are a symptom of how focused he is at the time when asked. A woman will generally misinterpret a man's grumbles. She mistakenly assumes that he is unwilling to fulfill her request. This is not the case. His grumbles are a sign that he is in the process of considering her request. If he was not considering her request then he would very calmly say no. When a man grumbles it is a good sign, he is trying to consider your request versus his needs. He will go through internal resistance at shifting his direction from what he's focusing on to your request. Like opening a door with rusty hinges, the man will make unusual noises. By ignoring his grumbles they quickly go away. Often when a man grumbles he is in the process of saying yes to your request. Because most women misunderstand this reaction, they either avoid asking him for support or they take it personally and reject him in return.
In our example, where he is headed for bed and you ask him to go to the store for milk, he is likely to grumble. "I'm tired," he says with an annoyed look. "I want to go to bed." If you misunderstand his response as a rejection, you might say:
• "I don't ask you for much."
• "It will only take you fifteen minutes."
• "I feel disappointed. This really hurts my feelings."
• "You mean you won't do this for me."
• "Why can't you do it?"
You get the idea. When he grumbles, she feels the urge to defend her request and mistakenly breaks her silence. She argues with her partner in an attempt to convince him that he should do it. Whether he does it or not, he will be more resistant next time she asks for his support. To give him a chance to fulfill your requests, ask and pause. Let him grumble and say things. Just listen. Eventually he will say yes. Don't mistakenly believe that he will hold this against you. He can't and won't hold it against you as long as you don't insist or argue with him. Even if he walks off grumbling, he will let go of it, if both of you feel it is his choice to do or not to do it. Sometimes, however, he may not say yes. Or he may try to argue his way out by asking you some questions. Be careful. During your pause he may ask questions like:
* "Why can't you do it?"
* "I really don't have time. Would you do it?"
* "I am busy, I don't have time. What are you doing?"
Sometimes these are just rhetorical questions. So you can remain quiet. Don't speak unless it is clear that he is really looking for an answer. If he wants an answer, give him one, but be very brief, and then ask again. Assertive asking means asking with a sense of confidence and trust that he will support you if he can. If he questions you or says no, then respond with a brief answer.
When I returned with the milk, she was happy to see me. She gave me a big hug and said, "Thank you so much. I'm so glad I didn't have to get dressed." If she had ignored me, I probably would have resented her. Next time she asked me to buy the milk I would have probably grumbled even more. But she didn't ignore me, she gave me lots of love. I watched my reaction and heard myself think, what a wonderful wife I have. Even after I was so resistant and grumbly, she is still appreciating me. The next time she asked me to buy the milk, I grumbled less. When I returned she was again appreciative. The third time, automatically I said, "Sure." Then a week later, I noticed that she was low on milk. I offered to get it. She said she was already going to the store. To my surprise a part of me was disappointed! I wanted to get the milk. Her love had programmed me to say yes. Even to this day whenever she asks me to go to the store and get milk a part of me happily says yes.
I personally experienced this inner transformation. Her acceptance of my grumbles and appreciation of me when I returned healed my resistance. From that time on, as she practiced assertive asking, it was much easier for me to respond to her requests.

The Pregnant Pause
One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support. Allow your partner to work through their resistance. Be careful not to disapprove of his grumbles. As long as you pause and remain silent, you have the possibility of getting his support. If you break the silence you lose your power. Women unknowingly break