Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

yes to a "can you," but inside I resent her. I feel that if I say no she will throw a fit. I feel manipulated. When she asks "would you," I feet free to say yes or no. It is then my choice, and then I want to say yes.
12. When a woman asks me "Would you do this?" I feel assured inside that I am going to get a point for this. I feel appreciated and happy to give.
13. When I hear a "would you" I feel I am being trusted to serve. But when I hear a "can you" or "could you" I hear a question behind the question. She is asking me if I can empty the trash when it is obvious that I could. But behind her question is the request, which she doesn't trust me enough to directly ask.
14. When a woman asks "would you" or "will you" I feel her vulnerability. I am much more sensitive to her and her needs; I definitely don't want to reject her. When she says "could you" I am much more apt to say no because I know it is not a rejection of her. It is simply an impersonal statement saying I can't do it. She won't take it personally if I say no to a "Could you do this?"
15. For me, "would you" makes it personal, and I want to give, but "could you" makes it impersonal, and I will give if it is convenient or if I don't have anything else to do.
16. When a woman says "Could you please help me?" I can feel her resentment and I will resist her, but if she says "Would you please help me" I can't hear any resentment, even if there is some. I am willing to say yes.
17. When a woman says "Could you do this for me?" I get kind of honest and say "I'd rather not." The lazy part of me comes out. But when I hear a "Would you please?" I become creative and start thinking of ways to help.
One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. His heart is full, like the moon shining above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, "Could you marry me?" Immediately the romance is gone. Using the C word he appears weak and unworthy. In that moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. If instead he said "Would you marry me?" then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose. Similarly, a man requires that a woman propose her requests in this manner. Use the W words. The C words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative. When she says "Could you empty the trash?" the message he receives is "If you can empty it then you should do it. I would do it for you!" From his point of view he feels it is obvious that he can do it. In neglecting to ask for his support he feels she is manipulating him or taking him for granted. He doesn't feel trusted to be there for her if he can. I remember one woman in a seminar explaining the difference in Venusian terms. She said, "At first I couldn't feel the difference between these two ways of asking. But then I turned it around. It feels very different to me when he says 'No, I can't do it' versus 'No, I will not do it.' The 'I will not do it' is a personal rejection. If he says 'I can't do it' then it is no reflection on me, it is just that he can't do it.

Common Mistakes In Asking
The hardest part of learning to ask is remembering how to do it. Try using the W words whenever possible. It will take a lot of practice. To ask a man for support:
1. Be direct.
2. Be brief.
3. Use "would you" or "will you" phrases.
It's best not to be too indirect, too lengthy, or to employ phrases such as "could you" or "can you." Let's look at some examples.

Say Don't Say
1 "Would you empty the trash?" "This kitchen is a mess; it really stinks. I can't fit anything else into the trash bag. It needs to be emptied. Could you do it?" (This is too long and uses could.)
2 "Would you help me move this table?" "I can't move this table. I need to rearrange it before our party tonight. Could you please help?" (This is too long and uses could.)
3 "Would you please put this away for me?" "I can't put all of this away." (This is an indirect message.)
4 "Would you bring the groceries from the car?" "I have four bags of groceries left in the car. And 1 need that food to make dinner. Could you bring them in?" (This is too long, indirect, and uses could.)
5 "Would you pick up a bottle of milk on your way home?" "You'll be going by the store. Lauren needs a bottle of milk. I just can't go out again. I am so tired. Today was a bad day. Could you get it?" (This is too long. indirect, and uses could. )
6 "Would you pick up Julie from school?" "Julie needs a ride home and I can't pick her up. Do you have time? Do You think you could pick her up?" (This is too long, indirect, and uses could. )
7 "Would you take Zoey to the vet today?" "It's time for Zoey to get her shots. Would you like to take her to the vet?" (This is too indirect.)
8 "Would you take us out to dinner tonight?" "I am too tired to make dinner. We haven't gone out in a long time. Do you want to go out." (This is too lengthy and indirect.)
9 "Would you zip me up?" "I need your help. Could you zip me up?" (This is indirect and uses could.)
10 "Would you build a fire for us tonight?" "It's really cold. Are you going to build a fire?" (This is too indirect.)

11 "Would you take me to a movie this week?" "Do you want to go to a movie
this week?" (This is too indirect.)
12 "Would you help Lauren put on her shoes?" "Lauren still hasn't put on her shoes! We are late. I can't do this all by myself! Could you help?" (This is too long, indirect, and uses could. )
13 "Would you sit down with me now or sometime tonight and talk about our schedule?" "I have no idea of what's going on. We haven't talked and I need to know what you are doing." (This is too long and 'Indirect.)

As you have probably noticed by now, what you think has been asking is not asking to Martians; they hear something else. It takes a conscious effort to make these little but significant changes in the way you ask for support. I suggest practicing at least three months correcting the way you ask for things before moving on to step two. Other request statements that work are "Would you please ... ?" and "Would you mind ... ?" Start out in step 1 by being aware of how many times you don't ask for support. Become aware of how you do ask when you do. With this increased awareness, then practice asking for what he's already giving you. Remember to be brief and direct. Then give him lots of appreciation and thanks.

Common Questions About Asking for Support
This first step can be difficult. Here are some common questions, which give clues to both the objections and the resistance that women may have:
1. Question: A woman might feel, Why should I have to ask him when I don't require him to ask me?
Answer: Remember, men are from Mars; they are different. By accepting and working with his differences you will get what you need. If, instead, you try to change him he will stubbornly resist. Although asking for what you want is not second nature to Venusians, you can do it without giving up who you are. When he feels loved and appreciated he will gradually become more willing to offer his support without being asked. That is a later stage.
2. Question: A woman may feel, Why should I appreciate what he does when I am doing more?