Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

see that her request is valid and therefore motivate him. What a man hears is "This is why you have to do it." The longer the list, the more he may resist supporting you. If he asks you "why?" then you can give your reasons, but then again, be cautiously brief. Practice trusting that he will do it, if he can. Be as brief as possible.
4. Be Direct: Women often think they are asking for support when they are not. When she needs support, a woman may present the problem but not directly ask for his support. She expects him to offer his support and neglects directly to ask for it. An indirect request implies the request but does not directly say it. These indirect requests make a man feel taken for granted and unappreciated. Occasionally using indirect statements is certainly OK, but when they are repeatedly used, a man becomes resistant to giving his support. He may not even know why he is so resistant. The following statements are all examples of indirect requests and how a man might respond to them:

What She should what she Should not -m What he how$
who
(brief ;Q direct) (indirect) she Is indirect

What She Should What She Should Not What he hears
1 "Would you pick up the kids?" "The kids need to be picked up and I can't do it." "If you can pick them up. You should, other wise I will feel very unsupported and resent you" (demand).
2 "Would you bring in the groceries?" "The groceries are in the car." "It's your job to bring them in, I went shopping" (expectation).
3 "Would you empty the trash ?" "I can't fit anything else in the trash can you empty it?' "You haven't empty the trash. You shouldn't wait so long" (criticism).
4 "Would you clean up the backyard?" "The backyard is really a mess." "You didn't clean up the yard again. You should be more responsible, I shouldn't have to remind you" (rejection).
5 "Would you bring in the mail?" "The mail hasn't been brought in." "You forgot to bring in the mail. You should remember"(disapproval).
6 "Would you take us out to eat tonight?" "I have no time to make dinner tonight." "I have done so much, the least you could do is take us out tonight" (dissatisfaction).
7 "Would you take me out this week?" "We haven't gone out in weeks." "You are neglecting me. I'm not getting what I need. You should take me out more often" (resentment).
8 "Would you schedule some time to talk with me?" "We need to talk." "It is your fault we don't talk enough. You should talk with me more" (blame).

5. Use Correct Wording: One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of could and can in place of would and will. "Could you empty the trash?" is merely a question gathering information. "Would you empty the trash?" is a request. Women often use "could you?" indirectly to imply "would you?" As I mentioned before, indirect requests are a turn off. When used occasionally they certainly may go unnoticed, but persistently using can and could begins to irritate men. When I suggest to women that they begin asking for support, sometimes they panic because their partners have already made comments many times such as:
"Don't nag me."
"Don't ask me to do things all the time."
"Stop telling me what to do."
" I already know what to do."
"You don't have to tell me that."
In spite of how it sounds to a woman, when a man makes this kind of comment, what he really means is: "I don't like the way You ask!" If a woman doesn't understand how certain language can affect men, she will get even more snarled. She becomes afraid to ask and starts saying "Could you..." because she thinks she is being more polite. Though this works well on Venus, it doesn't work at all on Mars. On Mars it would be an Insult to ask a man "Can you empty the trash?" Of course he can empty the trash! The question is not can he empty the trash but will he empty the trash. After he has been insulted, he may say no just because you have irritated him.

What Men Want to Be Asked
When I explain this distinction between the C words and the W words in my seminars, women tend to think I am making a big deal over nothing. To women there is not much difference, in fact, "could you?" may even seem more polite than "would you?" But to many men it is a big difference. Because this distinction is so important, I'm including comments by seventeen different men who attended my seminars.
1. When I am asked "Could you clean up the backyard" I really take it literally. I say, "I could do it, sure it's possible." But I am not saying "I will do it," and I certainly don't feel like I am making a promise to do it. On the other hand, when I am asked " Would you clean up the backyard" I begin to make a decision, and I am willing to be supportive. If I say yes, the chances of my remembering to do it are much greater because I have made a promise.
2. When she says "I need your help. Could you please help?" it sounds critical, like somehow I have already failed her. It doesn't feel like an invitation to be the good guy I want to be and support her. On the other hand, "I need your help. Would you please carry this?" sounds like a request and an opportunity to be the good guy. I want to say yes.
3. When my wife says "Can you change Christopher's diaper?" I think inside, Sure I can change it. I am capable, and a diaper is a simple thing to change. But then if I don't feel like doing it I might make sonic excuse. Now, if she asked "Would you change Christopher's diaper?" I would say "Yeah, sure," and do it. Inside I would feel, I like to participate and I enjoy helping raise our children. I want to help!
4. When I am asked "Would you help me please?" it gives me an opportunity to help, and I am more than willing to support her, but when I hear "Could you help me please?'' I feel backed up against the wall, as if I have no choice. lf I have the ability to help then I am expected to help ! l don't feel appreciated.
5. 1 resent being asked "could you." I feel like I have no choice but to say yes. If I say no she will be upset with me. It is not a request but a demand.
6. I keep myself busy, or at least pretend to be busy so that the woman I work with doesn't ask me the "could you" question. With "would you" I feel I have a choice, and I want to help.
7. Just this last week my wife asked me, "Could you plant the flowers today?" and without hesitation 1 said yes. Then when she came home she asked, " Did you plant the flower?" I said no. She said, "Could you do it tomorrow? " and again, without hesitation, I Said yes. This happened every day this week, and the flowers are still not planted. I think if she had asked me "Would you plant the flowers tomorrow?" I would have thought about it, and if I had said yes I would have done it.
8. When I say "Yes, I could do that" I am not committing myself to doing it. I am just saying that I could do it. I have not promised to do it. If she gets upset with me I feel like she doesn't have a right. If I say I will do it, then I can understand why she is upset if I don't do it.
9. I grew up with five sisters, and now I am married and have three daughters. When my wife says "Can you bring out the trash?" I just don't answer. Then she asks "why?" and I don't even know. Now I realize why. I feel controlled. I can respond to "would you?"
10. When I hear a "could you" I'll immediately say yes, and then over the next ten minutes I will realize why I'm not going to do it and then ignore the question. But when I hear a "will you" a part of me comes up saying "Yes, I want to be of service," and then even if objections come up later in my mind, I will still fulfill her request because I have given my word.
11. I will say