Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

ho get angry easily generally are trying to hide from their hurt, sadness, fear, or regret. When they feel their more vulnerable feelings, the anger goes away and they become more loving.
2. People who cry easily generally have a hard time getting angry, but when they are helped to express anger they feel much better and more loving.
3. People who are fearful generally need to feel and express their anger; the fear then goes away.
4. People who often feel sorry and guilty generally need to feel and express their hurt and anger before they can feel the self-love they deserve.
5. People who always feel loving but wonder why they are depressed or numb generally need to ask themselves this question: If I were angry and upset about something, what would it be? " and write out the answers. This will help them get in touch with the feelings hidden behind the depression and numbness. Love Letters can be used in this fashion.

Now Feelings Can Hide Other Feelings
Following are some examples of how men and women use their negative emotions to avoid or suppress their true pain. Keep in mind that this process is automatic. We are often not aware that it is happening. Consider for a moment these questions:
• Do you ever smile when you are really angry?
• Have you acted angry when deep inside you were afraid?
• Do you laugh and make jokes when you are really sad and hurt?
• Have you been quick to blame others when you felt guilty or afraid?
The following chart shows how men and women commonly deny their true feelings. Certainly not all men will fit the male description just as not all women will fit the female description. The chart gives us a way to understand how we may remain strangers to our real feelings.

WAYS WE COVER UP OUR REAL FEELINGS
1. Men may use anger as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of sad ness, hurt, sorrow, guilt, and fear.
2. Men may use indifference and discouragement as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of anger.
3. Men may use feeling offended as a way of avoiding feeling hurt.
4. Men may use anger and righteousness as a way to avoid feeling afraid or uncertain.
5. Men may feel ashamed to avoid anger and grieving.
6. Men may use peace and calm as a way to avoid anger, fear, disappointment, discouragement, and shame.
7. Men may use confidence to avoid feeling inadequate.
8. Men may use aggression to avoid feeling afraid.

1. Women may use concern and worry as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of anger, guilt, fear and disappointment.
2. Women may fall into confusion as a way of avoiding anger, irritation, and frustration.
3. Women may use feeling bad as a way of avoiding embarrassment, anger, sadness and regret.
4. Women may use fear and uncertainty as a way of avoiding anger, hurt and sadness.
5. Women may use grieving to avoid feeling angry and afraid.
6. Women may use hope as a way to avoid anger, sadness, grief and sorrow.
7. Women may use happiness and gratitude to avoid feeling sadness and disappointment.
8. Women may use love and forgiveness as a way to avoid feeling hurt and angry.

HEALING NEGATIVE FEELINGS
Understanding and accepting another's negative feelings are difficult if your own negative feelings have not been heard and supported. The more we are able to heal our own unresolved feelings from childhood the easier it is responsibly to share our feelings and to listen to our partner's feelings without being hurt, impatient, frustrated, or offended. The more resistance you have to feeling your inner pain, the more resistance you will have to listening to the feelings of others. If you feel impatient and intolerant when others express their childlike feelings, then this is an indicator of how you treat yourself. To retrain ourselves we must reparent ourselves. We must acknowledge that there is an emotional person inside us who gets upset even when our rational adult mind says there is no reason to be upset. We must isolate that emotional part of our self and become a loving parent to it. We need to ask ourselves "What's the matter? Are you hurt? What are you feeling? What happened to upset you? What are you angry about? What makes you sad? What are you afraid of? What do you want?" When we listen to our feelings with compassion, our negative feelings quite miraculously are healed, and we are able to respond to situations in a much more loving and respectful way. By understanding our childlike feelings we automatically open a door for loving feelings to permeate what we say. If as children our inner emotions had been repeatedly heard and validated in a loving way, then as adults we wouldn't get stuck in negative emotions. But most of us weren't supported this way as children, so we have to do it for ourselves.

Now Your Past Affects You Today
Certainly you've had the experience of feeling gripped by negative emotions. These are some common ways our unresolved emotions from childhood may affect us today as we encounter the stresses of being adults:
1. When something has been frustrating, we remain stuck feeling angry and annoyed, even when our adult self says we should feel calm, loving, and peaceful.
2. When something has been disappointing, we remain stuck feeling sad and hurt, even when our adult self says we should feel enthusiastic, happy, and hopeful.
3. When something has been upsetting, we remain stuck feeling afraid and worried, even when our adult self says we should feel assured, confident, and grateful.
4. When something has been embarrassing, we remain stuck feeling sorry and ashamed, even when our adult self says we should feel secure, good, and wonderful.

Silencing Your Feelings Through Addictions
As adults we generally try to control these negative emotions by avoiding them. Our addictions can be used to silence the painful cries of our feelings and unfulfilled needs. After a glass of wine, the pain is gone for a moment. But it will come back again and again. Ironically, the very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them the power to control our lives. By learning to listen to and nurture our inner emotions, they gradually lose their grip. When you are very upset, it certainly is not possible to communicate as effectively as you want to. At such times the unresolved feelings of your past have come back. It Is as though the child that was never allowed to throw a tantrum now throws one, only to be exiled once again into the closet. Our unresolved childhood emotions have the power to control us by gripping our adult awareness and preventing loving communication. Until we are able lovingly to listen to these seemingly irrational feelings from our past (which seem to intrude into our life when we most need our sanity), they will obstruct loving communication. The secret of communicating our difficult feelings lies in having the wisdom and the commitment to express our negative feelings in writing so that we can become aware of our more positive feelings. The more we are able to communicate to our partners with the love they deserve, the better our relationships will be. When you are able to share your upset feelings in a loving way, it becomes much easier for your partner to support you in return.