Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

he gets home. ( 10-20 )
19. She feels disapproving and instead of expressing it she goes in another room and privately centers herself and then comes back with a more centered and loving heart. ( 10-20 )
20. On special occasions she overlooks his mistakes that might normally upset her. ( 20-40 )
21. She really enjoys having sex with him. ( 10-40 )
22. He forgets where he put his keys and she doesn't look at him as though he was irresponsible. ( 10-20 )
23. She is tactful or graceful in expressing her dislike or disappointment about a restaurant or movie when on a date. ( 10-20 )
24. She doesn't give advice when he is driving or parking the car and then appreciates him for getting them there. ( 10-20 )
25. She asks for his support rather than dwelling on what he has done wrong. ( 10-20 )
26. She shares her negative feelings in a centered way without blaming, rejecting, or being disapproving of him. ( 10-40 )

When a Woman Can Score More Points
Each of the above examples reveals how men score points differently from women. But a woman is not requited to do all of the above. This list reveals those times when he is most vulnerable. If she can be supportive in giving him what he needs he will be very generous in giving points. As I mentioned in chapter 7, a woman's ability to give love at difficult times fluctuates like a wave. When a woman's ability to give love is increasing (during the upswing of her wave) is the time when she can score many bonus points. She should not expect herself to be as loving at other times. Just as a woman's ability to give love fluctuates, a man's need for love fluctuates. In each of the above examples, there is no fixed amount for how many points a man gives. Instead there is an approximate range; when his
need for her love is greater he tends to give her more points. For example, if he has made a mistake and feels embarrassed, sorry or ashamed, then he needs her love more; therefore he gives more points if she responds by being supportive. The bigger the mistake, the more points he gives her for her love. If he doesn't receive her love he tends to give her penalty points according to how much he needed her love. If he feels rejected as the result of a big mistake he may give a lot of penalty points.

WHAT MAKES MEN DEFENSIVE
A man may become so angry at a woman when he has made the mistake and the woman is upset. His upset is proportional to the size of his mistake. A little mistake makes him less defensive, while a big mistake makes him much more defensive. Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn't say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way. Instead of saying he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and give her penalty points. When a man is in a negative state, if she can treat him like a passing tornado and lie low, after the tornado has passed he will give her an abundance of bonus points for not making him wrong or for not trying to change him. If she tries to stop the tornado it will create havoc, and he will blame her for interfering. This is a new insight for many woman because on Venus when someone is upset the Venusians never ignore her or even consider lying low. Tornadoes don't exist on Venus. When someone is upset everyone gets involved with one another and tries to understand what is bothering her by asking a lot of questions. When a tornado passes on Mars everyone finds a ditch and lies low.

WHEN MEN GIVE PENALTY POINTS
It helps greatly when women understand that men score points differently. That men give penalty points is very confusing to women and doesn't make it safe for women to share their feelings. Certainly, it would be wonderful if men could see how unfair penalty points are and change overnight, but change takes time. What can be reassuring for a woman, however, is to know that just as a man quickly gives out the penalty points he also takes them back. A man giving penalty points is similar to a woman feeling resentful when she gives more than he does. She subtracts his score from hers and gives him a zero. At such times a man can just be
understanding that she is sick with the resentment flu and give her some extra love. Similarly, when a man is giving penalty points, a woman can realize that he has his own version of resentment flu. He needs some extra love so he can get better. As a result, he immediately gives her bonus points to even the score again. Through learning how to score big with a man, a woman has a new edge for supporting her man when he seems distant and hurt. Instead of doing little things for him (from the list 101 Ways to Score Points with a Woman), which is what she would want, she can more successfully focus her energies in giving him what he wants (as listed in How Women Can Score Big with Men).

REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES
Both men and women can benefit greatly by remembering how differently we keep score. Improving a relationship takes no more energy than we are already expending and doesn't have to be terribly difficult. Relationships are exhausting until we learn how to direct our energies into the ways that our partner can fully appreciate.

Chapter 11
How to Communicate Difficult Feelings

When we are upset, disappointed, frustrated, or angry it is difficult to communicate lovingly. When negative emotions come up, we tend momentarily to lose our loving feelings of trust, caring, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, and respect. At such times, even with the best intentions, talking turns into fighting. In the heat of the moment, we do not remember how to communicate in a way that works for our partner or for us. At times like these, women unknowingly tend to blame men and make them feel guilty for their actions. Instead of remembering that her partner is doing the best he can, a woman could
assume the worst and sound critical and resentful. When she feels a surge of negative feelings, it is especially difficult for a woman to speak in a trusting, accepting, and appreciative way. She doesn't realize how negative and hurtful her attitude is to her partner. When men become upset, they tend to become judgmental of women and women's feelings. Instead of remembering that his partner is vulnerable and sensitive, a man may forget her needs and sound mean and uncaring. When he feels a surge of negative feelings, it is especially difficult for him to speak in a caring, understanding, and respectful way. He doesn't realize how hurtful his negative attitude is to her. These are the times when talking does not work. Fortunately, there is another alternative. Instead of verbally sharing your feelings with your partner, write him or her a letter. Writing letters allows you to listen to your own feelings without worrying about hurting your partner.
By freely expressing and listening to your own feelings, you automatically become more centered and loving. As men write letters they become more caring, understanding, and respectful; as women write letters they become more trusting, accepting, and appreciative. Writing out your negative feelings is an excellent way to become aware of how unloving you may sound. With this greater awareness you can adjust your approach. In addition, by writing out your negative emotions their intensity can be released, making room for positive feelings to be felt again. Having become more centered, you can then go to your partner and speak to him or her in a more loving way, a way that is less judgmental or blaming. As a result, your chances of being understood and accepted are much greater. After writing your letter you may no longer feel a need to talk. Instead you could become inspired to do something loving for your partner. Whether you share the feelings in your letter or you just write a letter to feel better, writing down your feelings is an important tool. Instead of writing down your feelings you may also choose to do the same process in your mind. Simply refrain from talking and review what happened in your mind. In your imagination imagine you are saying what you feel, think, and want without editing yourself in any way. By carrying on an inner dialogue expressing the complete truth about your inner feelings, you will suddenly become