Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

ing less, stop saying yes to his requests. Instead, in a graceful way, begin asking him to do more for you.
5. Martians Give Penalty Points. Women don't realize that men give penalty points when they feel unloved and unsupported. When a woman reacts to a man in an untrusting, rejecting, disapproving, or unappreciative way, he gives minus or penalty points. For example, if a man feels hurt or unloved because his wife has failed to appreciate something he's done, he feels justified in taking away the points she has already earned. If she has given ten, when he feels hurt by her, he may react to her by taking away her ten points. If he is more hurt he may even give her a negative twenty. As a result she now owes him ten points, when a minute before she had ten points. This is very confusing to a woman. She may have given the equivalent of thirty points, and then in one angry moment he takes them away. In his mind he feels justified in not giving anything because she owes him. He thinks it is fair. This may be fair mathematically, but it is not really fair. Penalty points are destructive to relationships. They make a woman feel unappreciated and a man less giving. If he negates in his mind all the loving support she has given, when she does express some negativity, which is bound to happen occasionally, he then loses his motivation to give. He becomes passive. This fifth insight has practical applications for both men and women.
For Men: Remember that penalty points are not fair and do not work. At moments when you feel unloved, offended or hurt, forgive her and remember all the good she has given rather than penalize her by negating it all. Instead of punishing her, ask her for the support you want, and she will give it. Respectfully let her know how she has hurt you. Let her know how she has hurt you and then give her an opportunity to apologize. Punishment does not work! You will feel much better by giving her a chance to give you what you need. Remember she is a Venusian, she doesn't know what you need or how she hurts you.
For Women: Remember that men have this tendency to give penalty points. There are two approaches to protect yourself from this abuse. The first approach is to recognize that he is wrong in taking away your points. In a respectful way let him know how you feel. In the next chapter we will explore ways to express difficult or negative feelings. The second approach is to recognize he takes away points when he feels unloved and hurt and he immediately gives them back when he feels loved and supported. As he feels more and more loved for the little things he does, he will gradually give penalty points less and less. Try to understand the different ways he needs love so that he doesn't get hurt as much. When you are able to recognize how he has been hurt, let him know that you are sorry. Most important, then give him the love he didn't get. If he feels unappreciated, give him the appreciation he needs; if he feels rejected or manipulated, give him the acceptance he needs; if he feels mistrusted, give him the trust he needs; if he feels put down, give him the admiration that he needs; if he feels disapproval, give him the approval he needs and deserves. When a man feels loved he will quit using penalty points. The most difficult part of the above process is knowing what hurt him. For the most part, when a man withdraws into his cave, he doesn't know what hurt him. Then, when he comes out, he generally doesn't talk about it. How is a woman supposed to know what actually hurts his feelings? Reading this book and understanding how men need love differently is a good beginning and gives you an edge that women have never had before. The other way a woman can learn what happened is through communication. As I have mentioned before, the more a woman is able to open up and share her feelings in a respectful way, the more a man is able to learn to open up and share his hurt and pain.

NOW MEN GIVE POINTS
Men give points differently from women. Every time a woman appreciates what a man has done for her, he feels loved and gives her a point in return. To keep the score even in a relationship, a man really doesn't require anything but love. Women don't realize the power of their love and many times unnecessarily seek to earn a man's love by doing more things for him than they want to do. When a woman appreciates what a man does for her, he gets much of the love he needs. Remember, men primarily need appreciation. Certainly a man also requires equal participation from a woman in doing the domestic duties of day-to-day life, but if he is not appreciated, then her contribution is nearly meaningless and completely unimportant to him. Similarly, a woman cannot appreciate the big things a man does for her unless he is also doing a lot of little things. Doing a lot of little things fulfills her primary needs to feel cared for, understood, and respected. A major source of love for a man is the loving reaction that a woman has to his behavior. He has a love tank too, but his is not necessarily filled by what she does for him. Instead it is mainly filled by how she reacts to him or how she feels about him. When a woman prepares a meal for a man, he gives her one point or ten points, depending on how she is feeling toward him. If a woman secretly resents a man, a meal she may cook for him will mean very little to him, he may even give minus points because she was resenting him. The secret to fulfilling a man lies in learning to express love through your feelings, not necessarily through your actions. Philosophically speaking, when a woman feels loving, her behavior will automatically express that love. When a man expresses himself in loving behavior, automatically his feelings will follow and become more loving. Even if a man is not feeling his love for a woman, he can still decide to do something loving for her. If his offering is received and appreciated, then he will begin to feel his love for her again. Doing is an excellent way to prime a man's love pump. However, women are very different. A woman generally does not feel loved if she doesn't feel cared about, understood or respected. Making a decision to do something more for her partner will not help her feel more loving. Instead it may actually fuel her resentment. When a woman is not feeling her loving feelings, she needs to focus her energies directly on healing her negative feelings and definitely not on doing more. A man needs to prioritize "loving behavior," this will ensure that his partner's love needs are met. It will open her heart and also open his heart to feel more loving. A man's heart opens as he succeeds in fulfilling a woman. A woman needs to prioritize "loving attitudes and feelings." which will ensure that her partner's love needs are fulfilled. As a woman is able to express loving attitudes and feelings toward a man, he feels motivated to give more. This then assists her in opening her heart even more. A woman's heart opens more as she is able to get the support she needs.
Women are sometimes unaware of when a man really needs love. At such times a woman can score twenty to thirty points. These are some examples:

NOW WOMEN CAN SCORE BIG WITH MEN
1. He makes a mistake and she doesn't say "I told you so" or offer advice. ( 10-20 )
2. He disappoints her and she doesn't punish him. ( 10-20 )
3. He gets lost while driving and she doesn't make a big deal out of it. ( 10-20 )
4. He gets lost and she sees the good in the situation and says "We would never have seen this beautiful sunset if we had taken the most direct route." ( 20-30 )
5. He forgets to pick up something and she says It's OK. Would you do it next time you are out?" ( 10-20 )
6. He forgets to pick up something again and she says with trusting patience and persistence "It's OK, Would you still get it?" ( 20-30 )
7. When she has hurt him and she understands his hurt, she apologizes and gives him the love he needs. ( 10-40 )
8. She asks for his support and he says no and she is not hurt by his rejection but trusts that he would if he could. She does not reject him or disapprove of him. ( 10-20 )
9. Another time she asks for his support and he again says no. She does not make him feel wrong but accepts his limitations at that time. ( 20-30 )
10. She asks for his support without being demanding when he assumes the score is somewhat even. ( 1-5 )
11. She asks for support without being demanding when she is upset or he knows she has been giving more. ( 10 -30 )
12. When he withdraws she doesn't make him feel guilty. ( 10-20 )
13. When he comes back from his cave she welcomes him and doesn't punish him or reject him. ( 10-20 )
14. When he apologizes for a mistake and she receives it with loving acceptance and forgiveness. The bigger the mistake he makes the more points he gives. ( 10-50 )
15. When he asks her to do something and she says no without giving a list of reasons why she can't do it. ( 1-10 )
16. When he asks her to do something and she says yes and stays in a good mood. ( 1-10 )
17. When he wants to make up after a fight and starts doing little things for her and she starts appreciating him again. ( 10-30 )
18. She is happy to see him when