Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

ng that his automatic gut reactions in this instance are counterproductive, a man can, however, make this shift. Through a growing awareness and his experiences of what works with a woman, a man can make this change.

Now Women Unknowingly Start Arguments
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and unknowingly (or knowingly) communicates a message of disapproval. Even though sometimes this is not the message she wants to give it is generally what a man will hear. For example, when a man is late, a woman may feel "I don't like waiting for you when you are late" or "I was worried that something had happened to you." When he arrives, instead of directly sharing her feelings she asks a rhetorical question like "How could you be so late?" or "What am I supposed to think when you're so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" Certainly asking someone "Why didn't you call?" is OK if you are sincerely looking for a valid reason. But when a woman is upset
the tone of her voice often reveals that she not looking for a valid answer but is making the point that there is no acceptable reason for being late. When a man hears a question like "How could you be so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" he does not hear her feelings but instead hears her disapproval. He feels her intrusive desire to help him be more responsible. He feels attacked and becomes defensive. She has no idea how painful her disapproval is to him. Just as women need validation, men need approval. The more a man loves a woman the more he needs her approval. It is always there in the beginning of a relationship. Either she gives him the message that she approves of him or he feels confident that he can win her approval. In either case the approval is present. A woman withdrawing that approval is particularly painful to a man. Women are generally oblivious of how they pull away their approval. And when they do pull it away, they feel very justified in doing so. A reason for this insensitivity is that women really are unaware of how significant approval is for men. A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man's behavior and still approve of who he is. For a man to feel loved he needs her to approve of who he is, even if she disagrees with his behavior. Generally when a woman disagrees with a man's behavior and she wants to change him, she will disapprove of him. Certainly there may be times when she is more approving and less approving of him, but to be disapproving is very painful and hurts him. Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great lengths to prove they don't care. But why do they immediately become cold, distant, and defensive when they lose a woman's approval? Because not getting what they need hurts. One of the reasons relationships are so successful in the beginning is that a man is still in a woman's good graces. He is still her knight in shining armor. He receives the blessings of her approval and, as a result, rides high. But as soon as he begins to disappoint her, he falls from grace. He loses her approval. All of a sudden he is cast out into the doghouse. A man can deal with a woman's disappointment, but when it is expressed with disapproval or rejection he feels wounded by her. Women commonly interrogate a man about his behavior with a disapproving tone. They do this because they think it will teach him a lesson. It does not. It only creates fear and resentment. And gradually he becomes less and less motivated. To approve of a man is to see the good reasons behind what he does. Even when he is irresponsible or lazy or disrespectful, if she loves him, a woman can find and recognize the goodness within him. To approve is to find the loving intention or the goodness behind the outside behavior. To treat a man as if he has no good reason for what he does is to withhold the approval she so freely gave in the beginning of the relationship. A woman needs to remember that she can still give approval even when she disagrees.
One critical pair of problems from which arguments arise:
1. The man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view.
2. Or the woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her.

When He Needs Her Approval The Most
Most arguments occur not because two people disagree but because either the man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view or the woman disapproves of the way he is talking to her. She often may disapprove of him because he is not validating her point of view or speaking to her in a caring way. When men and women learn to approve and validate, they don't have to argue. They can discuss and negotiate differences. When a man makes a mistake or forgets to do an errand or fulfill some responsibility, a woman doesn't realize how sensitive he feels. This is when he needs her love the most. To withdraw her approval at this point causes him extreme pain. She may not even realize she is doing it. She may think she is just feeling disappointed, but he feels her disapproval. One of the ways women unknowingly communicate disapproval is in their eyes and tone of voice. The words she chooses may be loving, but her look or the tone of her voice can wound a man. His defensive reaction is to make her feel wrong. He invalidates her and justifies himself. Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. If he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his reasons will help her to feel better. What he doesn't know is that if she is upset, what she needs most is to be heard and validated.

NOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DIFFERENCES WITHOUT ARGUING
Without healthy role models, expressing differences and disagreements can be a very difficult task. Most of our parents either did not argue at all or when they did it quickly escalated into a fight. The following chart reveals how men and women unknowingly create arguments and suggests healthy alternatives. In each of the types of arguments listed below I first provide a rhetorical question that a woman might ask and then show how a man might interpret that question. Then I show how a man might explain himself and how a woman could feel invalidated by what she hears. Finally I suggest how men and women can express themselves to be more supportive and avoid arguments.

THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT
1. When He Comes Home Late:
When he arrives late she says: "How could you be so late?" or "There is no good reason for you to be late! Why didn't you call?" or "What am I supposed to think?".
The message he hears is "You are irresponsible. I would never be late. I am better than you."
When he arrives late and she is upset he explains "There was a lot of traffic on the bridge- or "Sometimes life can't be the way you want" or "You can't expect me to always be on time."
What she hears is "You shouldn't be upset because I have these good and logical reasons for being late. Anyway my work is more important than you, and you are too demanding!"

Now she can be less disapproving. She could say " I really don't like it when you are late. It is upsetting to me. I would really appreciate a call next time you are going to be late."
Now he can be more validating. He says "I was late, I'm sorry I upset you." ( Most important is to just listen without explaining much. ) Try to understand and validate what she needs to feel loved.

2. When He Forgets Something:
When he forgets to do something, she says "How could you forget?" or "When will you ever remember?" or "How am I supposed to trust you?"
The message he hears is "There is no good reason for forgetting. You are stupid and can't be trusted. I give so much more to this relationship. "
When he forgets to do something and she gets upset he explains "I was real busy and just forgot. These things just happen sometimes" or "It's not such a big deal. It doesn't mean I don't care."
What she hears is