Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

hidden reason he is arguing What he needs not to argue
1 "I don't like it when she gets upset over the smallest things I do or don't do. I feel criticized, rejected and unaccepted." He needs to feel accepted just the way he is. Instead he feels she is
trying to improve him.
2 "I don't like it when she starts telling me how I should do things. I don't feel admired. Instead I feel like I am being treated like a child." He needs to feel admired. Instead he feels put down.
3 "I don't like it when she blames me for her unhappiness. I do not feel encouraged to be her knight in shining armor." He needs to feel encouraged. Instead he feels like giving up.

The hidden reason she is arguing What she needs not to argue
1 "I don't like it when he doesn't respond to my questions or comments. It makes me feel like I don't exist. "
She needs to feel reassured that he is listening and that he care. Instead she feels ignored or judged.
2 "I don't like it when he explains why I should not be hurt, worried, angry, or anything else. I feel invalidated and unsupported. " She needs to feel validated and understood. Instead she feels unsupported, unloved and resentful.
3 "I don't like it when he expects me to be more detached. It makes me feel like it is wrong or weak to have feelings." She needs to feel respected and cherished, especially when she is sharing her feelings. Instead she feels unsafe and unprotected.

Though all these painful feelings and needs are valid, they are generally not dealt with and communicated directly. Instead they build up inside and come bursting up during an argument. Sometimes they are directly addressed, but usually they come up and are expressed through facial expression, body posture, and tone of voice. Men and women need to understand and cooperate with their particular sensitivities and not resent them. You will be addressing the true problem by trying to communicate in a way that respect your partner's emotional needs. Arguments can then truly become mutually supportive conversations necessary to resolve and negotiate differences and disagreements.

THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT
A hurtful argument usually has a basic anatomy. Maybe you can relate to the following example.
My wife and I went on a beautiful walk and picnic. After eating, everything seemed fine until I started talking about possible investments. Suddenly she became upset that I would consider investing a certain portion of our savings in aggressive stocks. From my point of view I was only considering it, but what she heard was that I was planning it ( without even considering her point of view ). She became upset that I would do such a thing. I became upset with her for being upset with me, and we had an argument. I thought she disapproved of my investment choices and argued for their validity. My argument however was fueled by my anger that she was upset with me. She argued that aggressive stocks were too risky. But really she was upset that I would consider this investment without exploring her ideas on the subject. In addition she was upset that I was not respecting her right to be upset. Eventually I became so upset that she apologized to me for misunderstanding and mistrusting me and we cooled down. Later on, after we had made up, she posed this question. She said, "Many times when we argue, it seems that I get upset about something, and then you get upset that I am upset, and then I have to apologize for upsetting you. Somehow I think something is missing. Sometimes I would like you to tell me you are sorry for upsetting me."
Immediately I saw the logic of her point of view. Expecting an apology from her did seem rather unfair, especially when I upset her first. This new insight transformed our relationship. As I shared this experience in my seminars I discovered that thousands of women could immediately identify with my wife's experience. It was another common male/female pattern. Let's review the basic pattern:

1. A woman expresses her upset feelings about "XYZ"
2. A man explains why she shouldn't be upset about "XYZ."
3. She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. (She is now more upset about being invalidated than about "XYW.")
4. He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an apology before making up.
5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates into a battle.

With a clearer awareness of the anatomy of an argument, I was able to solve this problem in a fairer way. Remembering that women are from Venus, I Practiced not blaming her for being upset. Instead I would seek to understand how I had upset her and show her that I cared. Even if she was misunderstanding me, if she felt hurt by me I needed to let her know that I cared and was sorry. When she would become upset I learned first to listen, then genuinely to try to understand what she was upset about, and then to say. "I'm sorry that I upset you when I said .....". The result was immediate. We argued much less.
Sometimes, however, apologizing is very difficult. At those times I take a deep breath and say nothing. Inside I try to imagine how she feels and discover the reasons from her point of view. Then I say, "I'm sorry you feel so upset." Although this is not an apology it does say "I care" and that seems to help a lot. Men rarely say "I'm sorry" because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing. Women, however. say I'm sorry" as a way to say "I care about what you are feeling. It doesn't mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong. The men reading this who rarely say "I am sorry" can create wonders by learning to use this aspect of the Venusian language. The easiest way to derail an argument is to say "I'm sorry." Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman's feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly. Being a man, I've had to learn to practice validating. My wife practiced expressing her feelings more directly without disapproving of me. The result was fewer fights and more love and trust. Without having this new awareness we probably would still be having the same arguments.
It is important to recognize how men unknowingly invalidate and how women unknowingly send messages of disapproval.

Now Men Unknowingly Start Arguments
The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman's feelings or point of view. Men don't realize how much they invalidate. For example, a man may make light of a woman's negative feelings. He might say "Ah, don't worry about it." To another man this phrase would seem friendly. But to a female intimate partner it is insensitive and hurts. In another example, a man might try to resolve a woman's upset by saying "It's not such a big deal." Then he offers some practical solution to the problem, expecting her to be relieved and happy. He doesn't understand that she feels invalidated and unsupported. She cannot appreciate his solution until he validates her need to be upset. A very common example is when a man has done something to upset a woman. His instinct is to make her feel better by explaining why she shouldn't be upset. He confidently explains that he has a perfectly good, logical, and rational reason for what he did. He has no idea that this attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. When he explains himself, the only message she right hear is that he doesn't care about her feelings. For her to hear his good reasons, she first needs him to hear her good reasons for being upset. He needs to put his explanations on hold and listen with understanding. When he simply starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported. This change in approach takes practice but can be achieved. Generally, when a woman shares feelings of frustration, disappointment, or worry every cell in a man's body instinctively reacts with a list of explanations and justifications designed to explain away her upset feelings. A man never intends to make matters worse. His tendency to explain away feelings is just a Martian instinct. By understandi