Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

ing to change, probably because he does not love her enough. The truth is, however, that he is resistant to changing because he believes he is not being loved enough. When a man feels loved, trusted, accepted, appreciated and so forth, automatically he begins to change, grow, and improve.

Two Kinds of Men/One Kind of Behavior
There are two kinds of men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries to change him, while the other will agree to change but later will forget and revert back to the old behavior. A man either actively resists or passively resists. When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted. For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way. Otherwise he defends himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his own, will look for ways to improve.

Men Don't Want to Be Improved
Just as men want to explain why women shouldn't be upset, women want to explain why men shouldn't behave the way they do. Just as men mistakenly want to "fix" women, women mistakenly try to "improve" men. Men see the world through Martian eyes. Their motto is "don't fix it if it isn't broken." When a woman attempts to change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This hurts a man and makes him very defensive. He doesn't feel loved and accepted. A man needs to be accepted regardless of his imperfections. To accept a person's imperfections is not easy, especially when we see how he could become better. It does, however, become easier when we understand that the best way to help him grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way. The following chart lists ways a woman can support a man in growing and changing by giving up trying to change him in any way:

NOW TO GIVE UP TRYING TO CHANGE A MAN

What to remember What she can do
1 Don't ask him too many questions when he is upset or he will feel you are trying to change him. Ignore that he is upset unless he wants to talk to you about it. Show some initial concern, but not too much, as an invitation to talk.
2 Give up trying to improve him in any way. He needs your love, not rejection, to grow Trust him to grow on his own. Honestly share feelings but without the demand that he change.
3 When you offer unsolicited advice he may feel mistrusted, controlled, or rejected. Practice patience. Wait until he asks for your advice.
4 When a man becomes stubborn and resists change he is not feeling loved; he is afraid to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved. Practice showing him that he doesn't have to be perfect to deserve your love. Practice forgive ness. (See chapter 11)
5 If you make sacrifices hoping he will do the same for you then he will feel pressured to change. Practice doing things for yourself and not depending on him to make you happy.
6 You can share negative feelings without trying to change him. When he feels accepted it is easier for him to listen. When sharing feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell him what to do but that you want him to take your feelings into consideration.
7 If you give him directions and make decisions for him he will feel corrected and controlled. Relax and surrender. Practice accepting imperfection. Make his feelings more important than perfection and don't lecture or correct him.

As men and women learn to support each other in the ways that are most important for their own unique needs, change and growth will become automatic. With a greater awareness of your partner's six primary needs you can redirect your loving support according to their needs and make your relationships dramatically easier and more fulfilling.

Chapter 9
How to Avoid Arguments

One of the most difficult challenges in our loving relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into arguments and then without much warning into battles. Suddenly they stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing, demanding, resenting, and doubting. Men and women arguing in this way hurt not only their feelings but also their relationship. Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised. For all practical purposes I strongly recommend that couples not argue. When two people are not emotionally involved it is a lot easier to remain detached and objective while arguing or debating. But when couples argue who are emotionally involved, they easily take things too personally. As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don't argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting. Some couples fight all the time, and gradually their love dies. On the other extreme, some couples suppress their honest feelings in order to avoid conflict and not argue. As a result of suppressing their true feelings they lose touch with their loving feelings as well. One couple is having a war while the other is having a cold war. It is best for a couple to find a balance between these two extremes. By remembering we are from different planets and thus developing good communication skills, it is possible to avoid arguments without suppressing negative feelings and conflicting ideas and desires.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARGUE
Without understanding how men and women are different it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves. The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don't hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements. Inevitably all couples will have differences and disagree at times. But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing, and within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing. Unknowingly they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner's point of view because of the way they are being approached. Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point-of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner's attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view. The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point of view without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect ourselves from feeling worthy of their disrespect or disapproval automatic defenses come up to resist their point of view. Even if we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them.

WHY ARGUMENTS HURT
It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatica