Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

5 When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not be upset. She feels unloved because he doesn't validate her feelings but instead makes her feel wrong and unsupported.
6 After listening he says nothing or just walks away. She feels insecure because she doesn't get the reassurance she needs.

WHEN LOVE FAILS
Love often fades because people instinctively give what they want. Because a woman's primary love needs are to be cared for , understood, and so forth, she automatically gives her man a lot of caring and understanding. To a man this caring support often feels as though she doesn't trust him. Being trusted is his primary need, not being cared for. Then, when he doesn't respond positively to her caring she can't understand why he doesn't appreciate her brand of support. He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn't what she needs. So they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other's needs.
Beth complained, saying: " I just can't keep giving and not getting back. Arthur doesn't appreciate what I give. I love him, but he doesn't love me." Arthur complained, saying, "Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything and she still doesn't love me. I love her, but it's just not working." Beth and Arthur have been married for eight years. They both felt like giving up because they didn't feel loved. Ironically, they both claimed to be giving more love than they were getting back. Beth believed she was giving more, while Arthur thought he was giving the most. In truth they were both giving, but neither was getting what they wanted or needed. They did love each other, but because they didn't understand their partner's primary needs their love wasn't getting through. Beth was giving what she needed to receive while Arthur was giving what he wanted. Gradually they burned out.
Many people give up when relationships become too difficult. Relationships become easier when we understand our partner's primary needs. Without giving more but by giving what is required we do not bum out. This understanding of the twelve different kinds of love finally explains why our sincere loving attempts fail. To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to give the love he or she primarily needs.

LEARNING TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY
The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman's primary love needs is through communication. As we have discussed before, communication is particularly important on Venus. By learning to listen to a woman's feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. One of the biggest problems men have with listening to women is that they become frustrated or angry because they forget that women are from Venus and that they are supposed to communicate differently. The chart below outlines some ways to remember these differences and makes some suggestions about what to do.

NOW TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

What to remember What to do and what not to do
1 Remember anger comes from not understanding her point of view, and this is never her fault. Take responsibility to understand. Don't blame her for upsetting you. Start again trying to understand.
2 Remember that feelings don't always make sense right away, but they're still valid and need empathy. Breathe deeply, don't say any thing! Relax and let go of trying to control. Try to imagine how you would feel if you saw the world through her eyes.
3 Remember that anger may come from not knowing what to do to make things better. Even if she doesn't immediately feel better, your listening and understanding are helping. Don't blame her for not feeling better from your solutions. How can she feel better when solutions are not what she needs? Resist the urge to offer solutions.
4 Remember you don't have to agree to understand her point of view or to be appreciated as a good listener. If you wish to express a differing point of view make sure she is finished and then rephrase her point of view before giving your own. Do not raise your voice.
5 Remember you don't fully have to understand her point of view to succeed in being a good listener. Let her know you don't understand but want to. Take responsibility for not understanding; don't judge her or imply she can't be understood.
6 Remember you are not responsible for how she feels. She may sound as though she is blaming you, but she is really in need to be understood. Refrain from defending yourself until she feels that you understand and care. Then it is OK gently to explain yourself or to apologize.
7 Remember that if she makes you really angry she is probably mistrusting you. Deep inside her is a scared little girl who is afraid of opening up and being hurt and who needs your kindness and compassion. Don't argue with her feelings and opinions. Take time out and discuss things later when there is less emotional charge. Practice the Love Utter technique as described in chapter 11.

When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance. appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs.

THE ART OF EMPOWERING A MAN
Just as men need to learn the art of listening to fulfill a woman's primary love needs, women need to learn the art of empowerment. When a woman enlists the support of a man, she empowers him to be all that he can be. A man feels empowered when he is trusted, accepted, appreciated, admired , approved and encouraged. Like in our story of the knight in shining armor, many women try to help their man by improving him but unknowingly weaken or hurt him. Any attempt to change him takes away the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement that are his primary needs. The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him. Certainly you may want him to change, just don't act on that desire. Only if he directly and specifically asks for advice is he open to assistance in changing.

Give Trust and Not Advice
On Venus, it is considered a loving gesture to offer advice. But on Mars it is not. Women need to remember that Martians do not offer advice unless it directly requested. A way of showing love is to trust another Martian to solve his problems on his own. This doesn't mean a woman has to squash her feelings. It's OK for her to feel frustrated or even angry, as long as she doesn't try to change him. Any attempt to change him is unsupportive and counterproductive. When a woman loves a man, she often begins trying to improve their relationship. In her exuberance she makes him a target for her improvements. She begins a gradual process of slowly rehabilitating him.

Why Men Resist Change
In a myriad of ways she tries to change him or improve him. She thinks her attempts to change him are loving, but he feels controlled, manipulated, rejected, and unloved. He will stubbornly reject her because he feels she is rejecting him. When a woman tries to change a man, he is not getting the loving trust and acceptance he actually needs to change and grow. When I ask a room filled with hundreds of women and men they all have had the same experience: the more a woman tries to change a man, the more he resists. The problem is that when a man resists her attempts to improve him, she misinterprets his response. She mistakenly thinks he is not will