Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

There was nothing wrong with Harris's need to be alone or watch TV, nor was their anything wrong with Cathy's hurt feelings. Instead of arguing for his right to watch TV, he could have told her something like this: "I understand you're upset, and right now I really need to watch TV and relax. When I feel better we can talk." This would give him time to watch TV as well as an opportunity to cool off and prepare himself to listen to his partner's hurt without making her hurt feelings wrong. She may not like this response, but she will respect it. Of course she wants him to be his usual loving self, but if he needs to pull away, then that is his valid need. He cannot give what he doesn't have. What he can do is avoid making things worse. The solution lies in respecting his needs as well as hers. He should take the time he needs and then go back and give her what she needs. When a man can't listen to a woman's hurt feelings because he needs to pull away, he can say "I understand you feel hurt and I need some time to think about it. Let's take a time-out." For a man to excuse himself in this way and stop listening is much better than trying to explain away her hurt.

What She Can Do Instead of Arguing
In hearing this suggestion, Cathy said, "If he gets to be in his cave then what about me? I give him space, but what do I get?" What Cathy gets is the best her partner can give at the time. By not demanding that he listen to her when she wants to talk, she can avoid making the problem much worse by having a huge argument. Second, she gets his support when he comes back, when he is truly capable of supporting her. Remember, if a man needs to pull away like a rubber band, when he returns he will be back with a lot more love. Then he can listen. This is the best time to initiate conversation. Accepting a man's need to go into the cave does not mean giving up the need to talk. It means giving up the demand that he listen whenever she wants to talk. Cathy learned to accept that sometimes a man can't listen or talk and learned that at other times he could. Timing was very important. She was encouraged not to give up initiating conversation but to find those other times when he could listen. When a man pulls away is the time to get more support from friends. If Cathy feels the need to talk but Harris can't listen, then Cathy could talk more with her friends. It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support. When a woman's wave crashes and her partner is in his cave, it is essential that she have other sources of support. Otherwise she can't help but feel powerless and resent her partner.

NOW MONEY CAN CREATE PROBLEMS
Chris said, "I am completely confused. When we got married we were poor. We both worked hard and we barely had enough money for the rent. Sometimes my wife, Pam, would complain about how hard her life was. I could understand it. But now we are rich. We both have successful careers. How can she still be unhappy and complain? Other women would give anything to be in her situation. All we do is fight. We were happier when we were poor; now we want a divorce." Chris did not understand that women are like waves. When he married Pam, from time to time her wave would crash. At those times he would listen and understand her unhappiness. It was easy for him to validate her negative feelings because he shared them. From his perspective she had a good reason to be upset; they didn't have a lot of money.

Money Doesn't Fulfill Emotional Needs
Martians tend to think money is the solution to all problems. When Chris and Pam were poor and struggling to make ends meet, he would listen and empathize with her pain and resolve to make more money so she wouldn't be unhappy. Pam felt that he really cared. But as their life improved financially she continued to get upset from time to time. He couldn't understand why she still wasn't happy. He thought she should be happy all the time because they were so rich. Pam felt that he didn't care about her. Chris did not realize that money could not prevent Pam from being upset. When her wave would crash, they fought because he would invalidate her need to be upset. Ironically, the richer they became the more they fought. When they were poor, money was the major focus of her pain, but as they became more financially secure she became more aware of what she was not getting emotionally. This progression is natural, normal, and predictable.

A Wealthy Woman Needs More Permission to Be Upset
I remember reading this quote in an article: "A wealthy woman can only get empathy from a wealthy psychiatrist." When a woman has a lot of money, people (and especially her husband) do not give her the right to be upset. She has no permission to be like a wave and crash from time to time. She has no permission to explore her feelings or to need more in any area of her life. A woman with money is expected to be fulfilled all the time because her life could be so much worse without this financial abundance. This expectation is not only impractical but disrespectful. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash. Chris was encouraged when he realized he could make his wife happy. He remembered he had validated his wife's feelings when they were poor, and he could do it again even if they were rich. Instead of feeling hopeless, he realized he did know how to support her. He had just gotten sidetracked by thinking his money should make her happy when really his caring and understanding of her had been the source of her contentment.

FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT
If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy. To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the wed to release, heal, and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process. If we are to feel the positive feelings of love, happiness, trust, and gratitude, we periodically also have to feel anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. When a woman goes down into her well is when she can heal these negative emotions. Men also need to process their negative feelings so that they can then experience their positive feelings. When a man goes into his cave is a time when he silently feels and processes his negative feelings. In chapter 11 we will explore a technique for releasing negative feelings that works equally well for women and men. When a woman is on the upswing she can be fulfilled with what she has. But on the downswing she then will become aware of what she is missing. When she is feeling good she is capable of seeing and responding to the good things in her life. But when she is crashing, her loving vision becomes cloudy, and she reacts more to what is missing in her life. Just as a glass of water can be viewed as half full or half empty, when a woman is on her way up she sees the fullness of her life. On the way down she sees the emptiness. Whatever emptiness she overlooks on the way up comes more into focus when she is on her way down into her well. Without learning about how women are like waves men cannot understand or support their wives. They are confused when things get a lot better on the outside but worse in the relationship. By remembering this difference a man holds the key to giving his partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most.

Chapter 8
Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs

Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful. Both men and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love but not in the desired manner. For example, a woman thinks she is being loving when she asks a lot of caring questions or expresses concern. As we have discussed before, this can be very annoying to a man. He may start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused, because if she were offered this kind of support she would be appreciative. Her efforts to be loving are at best ignored and at worst annoying. Similarly, men think they are being loving, but the way they express their love may make a woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman gets upset, he thinks he is loving and supporting her by making comments that minimize the importance of her problems. He may say "Don't worry, It's not such a big deal." Or he may completely ignore her, assuming he is giving her a lot of space to cool off and go into her cave. What he thinks is support makes her feel minimized, unloved, and ignored. As w