Gray John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

Martians Need Love Too
Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don't get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today don't realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others. A young boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he doesn't deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best. He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best. He knows that everyone makes mistakes. He saw his father make mistakes and continue to love himself. He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all his mistakes. He felt her trust and encouragement, even though at times his father had disappointed her. Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any training. He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash. It is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed the plane a few times. Or if you witnessed your father crash. Without a good training manual for relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women give up on relationships.

Chapter 5
Speaking Different Languages

When the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication. Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they didn't start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand
each other more fully. If that didn't work they went to a translator for help. You see the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. SO when communication problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and acceptance that we rarely experience today.

EXPRESSING FEELINGS VS EXPRESSING INFORMATION
Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual information. To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner. In the following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are fisted, as well as how a man might respond unsupportively.

TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETED

Women say things like this Men respond like this
"We never go out." "That's not true. We went out last week."
"Everyone ignores me." "I'm sure some people notice you."
"I am so tired, I can't do anything." "That's ridiculous. You are not he"
"I want to forget everything." "If you don't like your Job, then quit."
"The house is always a mess." "It's not always a mess."
"No one listens to me anymore." "But I am listening to you right now."
"Nothing is working." "Are you saying it is my fault?"
"You don't love me anymore." "Of course I do. That's why I'm here."
"We are always in a hurry." "We are not. Friday we were relaxed. "
"I want more romance." "Are you saying I am not romantic?"

You can see how a "literal" translation of a woman's words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man's responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is: "I don't feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted! A man's literal translation of "I don't feel heard" leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a woman saying "I don't feel heard" so that a man could correctly Interpret it is: -I feel as though you don't fully understand what I really mean to say or care about how I feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what I have to say?" If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally misunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard. Because many men don't understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner's feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation.

WHEN VENUSIANS TALK
The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond. You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn't directly ask for that support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request. In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved.

The Venusian/Martinn Phrase Dictionary

"We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out."
Without this translation, when a woman says "We never go out" a man may hear "You are not doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do