The Anatomy of PEACE. RESOLVING THE HEART OF CONFLICT. The Arbinger Institute

is comment, like Avi's invitation a couple of minutes ear�lier, appeared to lessen some of the rancor in the room. But Avi knew this was mostly illusion. Anger�or more precisely, war� was brewing just beneath the surface and threatening to sweep away their thoughts and emotions.
"Let's come back to the story," he said.
THE COLLUSION DIAGRAM
AVI HANNAH

V


"So I protested to Hannah," he said, pointing at the area marked 3, "and tried to teach her. And then, of course, I even ended up edging. In fact, I edged with a kind of ferocious inten�sity, didn't I�with an attitude?"
THE PATTERN OF CONFLICT
� 47
Most in the room nodded.
"Given how I acted and how I was seeing Hannah, how do you suppose she saw me?"
"As self-centered," Gwyn answered.
"And inconsiderate," said Ria.
"And immature," added Gwyn.
"Yes, okay. Thanks. I think," Avi smiled wryly, adding these comments to area 4. "So let's look at this situation," he said, backing away from the board.
THE COLLUSION DIAGRAM
AVI HANNAH
3. I DO
Protest Teach her Comply with attitude
Y
2. I SEE
An Object: Demanding Unreasonable Nag
V
W
4. SHE SEES
An object: Self-centered Inconsiderate Immature
Y
1. SHE DOES
Insists I do as she asks Complains Badgers
"If Hannah is seeing me as we've listed here at number 4� as self-centered, inconsiderate, and immature�is she now less or more likely to insist that I do as she says and to complain when I don't?"
"More," the group answered.
48
� THE HEART OF PEACE
"So she'll do more of what we've listed here at number 1, which means that I'll see and do more of what we've listed at numbers 2 and 3, and she'll then see and do more of what we've listed at numbers 4 and 1! Around and around we'll go, each of us provoking in the other the very things we're complaining about." He paused to let that settle. "Think about it," he said. "Each of us ends up inviting the very behaviors we say we hate in the other!"
"But that's crazy," Pettis observed.
"Yes, Pettis, it is. And because it is, we call this collusion rather than merely conflict."
Pettis puzzled on that. "I'm not sure I understand the dis�tinction."
"The word 'conflict' is passive," Avi responded. "It is some�thing that happens to us. For example, something we refer to as a conflict might simply be the result of a misunderstanding. But many conflicts aren't that way at all. Many conflicts are like the one we've been considering: they involve situations where the parties are actively engaged in perpetuating the trouble. In such cases, far from being passive victims of misunderstanding, we become active perpetuators of misunderstanding. The word 'collusion' captures this element of active participation more accurately than 'conflict' does, so we use it to describe conflicts where the parties are actually inviting the very things they're fighting against." At this, Avi wrote the following on the board:
COLLUSION:
A conflict where the parties are inviting the very things they're fighting against
"And you're right," Avi continued, "this is insane. And yet this insanity prevails in large areas of our lives. It describes
THE PATTERN OF CONFLICT
� 49
much of what happens between spouses who are struggling, par�ents and children who are battling, coworkers who are compet�ing, and countries that are fighting." Avi looked around at the group. "It also describes what has just been happening in this room, doesn't it? We're beginning to provoke in others the very comments and behaviors we are accusing them of.
"Despite the insanity of it, this pattern of interpersonal and inner violence can come to rule our lives and the lives of the organizations and countries where we work and live.
"In fact," he continued, "this insanity tries to spread.
"Let me show you how."
6 � Escalation
"Look around the room," Avi invited once more. "Who would you want to gather with and talk to if we were to take a break? Go ahead," he invited. "Look around."
Gwyn glanced furtively at Ria and Carol. Miguel looked quickly at Lou, but then turned away when Lou turned to him. Lou looked inquiringly at Elizabeth, but she didn't acknowl�edge him. She seemed not to want to be included in this pair�ing off.
"And what would you be likely to talk about with these peo�ple?" Avi asked.
There was a silence in the room, but eyes darted here and there, and it was clear to Avi that the group was responding silently to his question.
"Gwyn," Avi said, interrupting the silence, "if I might be so bold as to ask, Who in the room would you most like to talk to, and what do you think your conversations might be about?"
"Oh, probably Ria, I'd say. And maybe Carol. And what would we talk about? About their husbands I'd imagine," she answered, with a wry smile.
"And what about their husbands?" Avi asked.
"Whether they're always so bigoted or only when they're in public."
Avi butted in before Lou could fire back.
"Notice what's happened here," Avi said. "Gwyn ends up talking with Ria and Carol. And about what? About how they are each being treated unfairly or unjustly by someone else. We
50
ESCALATION
end up gathering with allies�actual, perceived, or potential � as a way of feeling justified in our own accusing views of others. "As a result of this fact, conflicts try to spread." Adding more boxes to the diagram on the board, he said, "Like this."
THE COLLUSION DIAGRAM
AVI HANNAH

"So what begins as a conflict between two people spreads to a conflict between many as each person enlists others to his or her side. Everyone begins acting in ways that invite more of the very problem from the other side that each is complaining about! We have seen it happen here in this room in the last few minutes. It certainly happened that way in my home as Hannah and I found ways to recruit our children into the fray. I would conspicuously roll my eyes, for example, when Hannah de-manded something of me. And I would commiserate with the children when I thought she was coming down too hard on them. I recruited my kids into feeling mistreated like I felt."
52
� THE HEART OF PEACE
"That's sick," Gwyn said.
"Yes," Avi agreed, "it is.
"And I would wager a mighty sum," he continued, "that your respective organizations look like this as well�with workers recruiting colleagues and others with the tales they tell, leading to organizations that are divided into warring silos, one group complaining incessantly about another, and the other returning the same. Until finally, your organizations are filled with people whose energies are largely spent on sustaining conflict�what we call collusion�and who therefore are not fully focused on achieving the productive goals of the organization.
"Am I right?" Avi asked with emphasis.
Although he didn't say anything, Lou had to admit that he saw this pattern in spades at Zagrum. He could also see himself and Cory spinning in the same kind of circle. The harder he was on Cory, the more Cory rebelled, and the more Cory re-belled, the more Lou bore down on him. Lou didn't roll his eyes like Avi did, but he gathered allies by complaining about Cory to Carol and others.
"It seems to me like many world-level conflicts are collu�sions as well," Elizabeth spoke up. "The conflict in my region of the world in Northern Ireland, for example. Both sides are in�viting the very things they're fighting against."
"It's the same way in the conflict between Israelis and Pales�tinians," Avi agreed. "In fact," he continued, "the concept of col�lusion explains how an ancient personal conflict now threatens the entire world. Consider the story of Abraham and his sons, Isaac and Ishmael. These sons, in accordance with decrees at�tributed in scripture to God, became fathers of nations�Isaac the father of the Israelite people and Ishmael the father of the Arab people. As such, these men hold special places in the belief systems of Jews, Christians, and Muslims the world over.
ESCALATION
� 53
"Jews and Christians, for their part, believe that Isaac was the chosen son with specific rights granted to him and his pos�terity, including rights to the land. They believe that God told Abraham to offer Isaac as a sacrifice as a test of Abraham's faith. According to the Old Testament, this sacrifice was to take place on a hill 'in the land of Moriah'�a location in present-day Jerusalem. Centuries later, King Solomon constructed a tem�ple on a hill in Jerusalem believed to be the location of this event, a mount known as Mount Moriah�the mountain after which Camp Moriah is named. In modern times, this mount is capped by the Al Aqsa Mosque complex, originally constructed by the Muslims after the initial conquest of Jerusalem that Elizabeth told us about. The world-famous shrine known as the Dome of the Rock, located within the thirty-five-acre complex, occupies the spot from where Muslims believe the prophet Mohammed ascended to heaven in a nocturnal vision. It is also believed to be the place of the experience between Abraham and his son.
"Which brings us to Ishmael.
"Although the Koran does not tell us one way or the other, many Muslims believe it was Ishmael, not Isaac, that Abraham was commanded to sacrifice on Moriah. Muslims also believe that Ishmael, rather than Isaac, was the chosen son. And finally, they believe it was Ishmael, not Isaac, who was given the right to the land. And so we have a dispute between brothers�those who believe Isaac was the chosen son and those who look to Ishmael as the chosen one. Descendants of each believe that they have claim to the land and to the heritage and primary blessings of the prophet Abraham."
Avi pointed at the collusion diagram. "You could substitute Isaac for my name and Ishmael for Hannah's and the diagram would be equally true of that conflict. Believers on each side
54
� THE HEART OF PEACE
now provoke the very mistreatment from the other that they are complaining about."
"But what if one of the views is the correct one, Avi?" Lou interjected. "Are you suggesting that all parties in a conflict are equally in the wrong, even if one side's claims are patently false?"
"And which side's claims are patently false here, Lou?" The heads of the group whipped around. It was Yusuf, who had slipped back into the room unnoticed a minute or two before.
"Well, Yusuf," Lou answered, after resizing him up for a moment, "I would say that yours are."
"Mine?"
"Yes."
"And which claims would mine be?"
Lou instantly regretted the presumptuousness that left him open to such an easy counter. "Well, I guess I don't know what your individual views are, exactly, Yusuf," he said, trying to cover the crack left exposed by his earlier answer. "I was speaking rather of your people's views."
"Oh? And what people would that be?"
"Is