The Anatomy of PEACE. RESOLVING THE HEART OF CONFLICT. The Arbinger Institute

"What do you suppose happens," he said, "if I get in this box here toward Mordechai and then don't get out?"
No one responded for a moment.
"Nothing will happen," Lou finally said. "Everything will stay the same."
"Yes, Lou, which is to say that I will end up carrying that box with me, right?"
"Yes, I guess that's right," Lou responded slowly, trying to grasp the implications.
At that, Yusuf added an arrow to the diagram, signifying how the box can travel with us.
"In other words," Yusuf resumed, "If I get in this box and don't get out, I end up taking the box with me. And in my next interaction with Mordechai, I am likely to start in the box— from the very beginning, right?"
Yusuf waited to see comprehension in the eyes before him. Sensing that they were understanding, he continued. "And if I'm already starting in the box, do you suppose I would be likely to have a sense or desire to help in my next interaction with Mordechai or with others I lump together with him?"
"Oh, I see," Lou said. "No, you wouldn't. You would start out bothered and bitter and angry. And in that state you proba¬bly wouldn't have a sense to help at all."
"That's what I'm suggesting," Yusuf agreed. "I can end up living in a big box from which I already perceive people as ob¬jects. When I develop such bigger boxes, I erupt whenever my justifications in the box are challenged or threatened. If I need to be seen as smart, for example, I will get anxious whenever I think my intelligence might be at issue—as, for example, when I am asked to speak in public or when I believe others are eval¬uating me. If I feel superior, I will be likely to erupt in anger or disdain if others fail to recognize how I am better, or if I perceive
THE PATH TO WAR • 133
that someone is trying to make himself look better than me. And so on. I no longer need to betray my sense regarding another in order to be in the box toward him because I am already in the box. I am always on the lookout for offense when I'm in the box, and I will erupt whenever my justification claims are threatened."
"So you're saying that if I find I don't have many such senses, it may be an indication that I'm already in a box, that I'm carrying my boxes with me, so to speak."
"I'm suggesting that possibility, yes."
Lou pondered this.
"I have a different question from Lou's," Carol said, raising her hand.
"Sure, go ahead."
"My problem isn't that I have too few of these senses to help. I'm worried that I have too many. And frankly, as I think about this, I'm a bit overwhelmed that I have to do everything I feel I should do in order not to betray myself."
"I have the same question," Ria said.
Yusuf nodded. "It's a good thing, then, that that's not what this means."
"It's not?" Carol asked hopefully.
"No. And to see why not, let's look at the choice diagram again. Notice two elements of the diagram: First, notice that we use the words 'honor' and 'betray' rather than 'do' or 'not do.' Notice as well the word 'desire' along with 'sense.' In other words, this sense we're describing is something akin to a desire. You with me?" he asked Carol before continuing.
"Yes. 'Honor' and 'betray,' and 'desire'—I see them."
"Okay, then, let me ask you this: Have you ever been in a situation where you ultimately weren't able to do something you felt you should do for somebody, but nevertheless still wished that you could have done it?"
134 • FROM PEACE TO WAR
"Sure, all the time," Carol answered. "That's exactly what I'm talking about."
Yusuf nodded in acknowledgment. "Notice how those ex¬periences are different from this experience of mine. In my case, after I failed to help, did I still have a desire to help?"
Carol looked at the diagram. "No."
"No, I didn't. You're exactly right. So notice the difference: in my case, I started with a desire to help but ended with con¬tempt, whereas in your case, you started with a desire to help and ended with a desire to help."
He paused to let that sink in.
"Although it may be true in such cases that you didn't per¬form the outward service you felt would have been ideal, you still retained the sense or desire you had in the beginning. That is, you still desired to be helpful. My guess is that there were probably a number of other things that needed to happen, and you just couldn't do this additional ideal thing. Am I right?"
Carol nodded.
"And that's life," Yusuf shrugged. "We quite commonly have many things that would be ideal to do at any given mo¬ment. Whether or not we perform a particular service, the way we can know if we've betrayed ourselves is by whether we are still desiring to be helpful."
"Okay, I think I get it," Carol said. "So you're saying that the sense I'm either honoring or not is this desire of helpfulness, not the mere fact of doing or not doing any particular behavior."
"Yes, Carol, that's exactly what I'm saying. And that's why we use 'honor' and 'betray' on the choice diagram rather than 'do' or 'not do.'
"Incidentally," he continued, "this shows how I can actually behave the way I feel would be ideal but nevertheless still be in
THE PATH TO WAR • 135
the box. Think about the Mordechai story. Let's say that after I got in the box, I saw someone who knew me, and then out of shame, not wanting to appear insensitive, I turned and helped Mordechai gather his coins, all the while fuming that I was being made to do it. In that case, was I seeing him as a person while I was helping?"
"No."
"Had I retained my desire of helpfulness?"
"No, you hadn't."
"So had I honored or betrayed my sense of helpfulness?"
"You'd betrayed it," Carol said. "Okay, I get it. It's not sim¬ply about the behavior, is it? It's deeper than that."
"Exactly. My heart wasn't at peace even though I was being outwardly helpful, which suggests that I had betrayed my origi¬nal desire to help."
Carol winced at that comment and bit her lip. "Then that raises another question for me."
"Go ahead."
"The situation you described — retaining my desire to help even when I can't help—explains some of my experiences, but not all of them."
"Go on," Yusuf invited.
"Well, a lot of times, when I can't help, I don't think I feel peaceful anymore either. To be quite honest, sometimes I'm burning up inside. I feel overwhelmed—all anxious and stressed because I can't help. It eats me up, and I can't seem to relax or find peace. Like when my house isn't clean, for example. I get anxious when we have others over if I haven't been able to clean up."
"Ah," Yusuf responded, "then in those cases it sounds like you might be in the box, doesn't it?"
136 • FROM PEACE TO WAR
Carol nodded.
"And you might, Carol. Ultimately, you're the only person who would know for sure, but it sounds like you might have developed a hyperactive must-be-seen-as box. Maybe you have a box about needing to be seen as helpful, for example, or thoughtful or kind or as a kind of superwoman. Any must-be- seen-as boxes like those would likely multiply in your mind the list of obligations you think you have to meet and would likely rob you of peace when you aren't able to meet them."
Carol slumped slightly in her chair. "That's me to a T," she said. "That's exactly what I'm like."
She looked up at Yusuf. "Then where do they come from?"
"Where do what come from?"
"These boxes — like this must-be-seen-as box."
"Again, let's look at the choice diagram," he said.
Pointing at it, he continued, "When in that story did I have a box—whether of the better-than, I-deserve, worse-than, or must-be-seen-as varieties?"
"After you betrayed your sense."
"Exactly. Which is to say that we construct our boxes through a lifetime of choices. Every time we choose to pull away from and blame another, we necessarily feel justified in doing so, and we start to plaster together a box of self-justification, the walls getting thicker and thicker over time."
"But why have I developed a must-be-seen-as box as op¬posed to some of the others?" Carol followed up.
"Good question, Carol," Yusuf said. "If you're like most peo¬ple, you've probably developed boxes that have elements from each of these styles of justification."
"I think I'm usually in the worse-than or must-be-seen-as categories," Carol said.
THE PATH TO WAR • 137
"Not me," Lou interjected, "better-than and I-deserve all the way."
"What a surprise," Gwyn joked.
"Yes, shocking," Elizabeth agreed.
"I wouldn't want to disappoint you," Lou said. "You're ex¬pecting it of me now."
"So why do Lou and I have different kinds of boxes?" Carol asked, returning to the question at hand.
"With respect to the box," Yusuf responded, "don't be too taken in by the categories. They are simply linguistic tools that help us think a little more precisely about the issue of justifica¬tion. The differences they show are in key ways artificial. What I mean is that our similarities are much greater than our differ¬ences. What you and Lou share with everyone else on the planet is a need to be justified that has arisen through a lifetime of self-betrayals. If we justify ourselves in different ways, it is because we justify ourselves within a context, and we will reach for the easiest justification we can find. So, for example, if I had been raised in a critical or demanding environment, it might have been easier for me, relatively speaking, to find refuge in worse-than or must-be-seen-as justifications. Those who were raised in affluent or sanctimonious environments, on the other hand, may naturally gravitate to better-than and I-deserve justi¬fications, and so on. Must-be-seen-as boxes might easily arise in such circumstances as well.
"But the key point, and the point that is the same for all of us, is that we all grab for justification, however we can get it. Because grabbing for justification is something we do, we can undo it. Whether we find justification in how we are worse or in how we are better, we can each find our way to a place where we have no need for justification at all. We can find our way to
138 • FROM PEACE TO WAR
peace—deep, lasting, authentic peace —even when war is breaking out around us."
"How?" Carol asked.
"As Avi said a few minutes ago, that is our topic for tomor¬row.
"For tonight, we invite you to ponder what boxes you are carrying, and the nature of your predominant self-justifications.
"I also invite you to consider how your box—this warring heart that you carry within—has invited outward war between you and those in your life.
Remember this collusion diagram?" he asked, pointing at the picture of Avi and Hannah's conflict about the edging.
Most of the group nodded.
"Look for that pattern in your own lives tonight," he said. "See where you might be inviting in others the very behavior you are complaining about. Ponder what boxes might be behind your reactions in those situations. Try to figure out what self- justifications you are defending."
Yusuf looked around at the group. "In short, our invitation to you for tonight," he said, "is to notice your battles and to pon¬der your wars. Using the conflict in the Middle East metaphor¬ically, we are, all of us, Palestinian and Israeli in some areas of our lives. It will serve neither ourselves nor our loved ones to think that we are better.
"Have a good evening."
PART III From War to Peace
This page intentionally left blank
15 • Apologies
Lou barely slept that night. He tossed and turned as the mis¬takes of the last thirty years or so played themselves over and over in his mind. Cory was an object to him, he couldn't deny it. His heart stirred in anger merely at the thought of Cory's name. But there was a new feeling this night—a desire to be rid of the ache he felt regarding Cory rather than a desire to be rid of Cory himself. He was wanting his son back. Or perhaps more accurately, he was beginning to feel the desire to be Cory's father again.
Speaking of ache, the pain he felt for banishing Kate was now acute. As he replayed what he had regarded as the muti¬nous meeting in the boardroom, he heard his words and wit¬nessed his scowl afresh. He had been a child! He couldn't afford to lose Kate, but his pride had driven him over a cliff and blinded him to a truth he suspected was obvious to everyone else—that Kate, not Lou, was the prime mover behind Zagrum Company's success. How could I have been so blind! What am I going to do? How can I rescue the company?
But by the wee hours of the morning, his thoughts and pain were located elsewhere. For thirty-one years, Carol (who, he noted, had slept soundly through the night) had given her life to him, while he had given too little in return. They met at a dance at Syracuse University. Carol was on a date with one of Lou's friends. Lou, alone that night, couldn't take his eyes off her. He began the evening wondering whether it would be ethical to
141
142 • FROM WAR TO PEACE
move in on his friend. By the end of the evening, it was no longer a matter of ethics, only of strategy.
Over the mont